I want to prewarn everyone that this may be a bit of a depressing blog post since I’ve been having some negative feelings. If you’re having a difficult time, this may be a Debbie downer kind of post.

For quite a while now, I’ve had a number of things on my mind. I will be doing a few blogs on some of these thoughts. It’s hard to summarize how 2020 and even the beginning of 2021 has been so far and how it’s been a constant state of grief for the world.

For many people, it’s been a year that’s been filled with loss, depression, spiritual chaos and so on. Covid has taken it’s toll on everyone all over the world. We’ve gone and are still going through this pandemic, racial injustice, Trumps impeachment and monumental election that had historically the highest turnout. Over 500,000 lives have been lost because of this virus. In November we elected a new president. When Biden was confirmed, people who claimed to be patriots stormed the capital because they thought the election was stolen. I don’t think it was stolen.

I have very much been feeling like we’ve lost our way in this country. I also feel like I’ve lost my way in some sense. This has been a year that includes sudden death of my brother in law Ira, interrupted weddings, online graduations, online classes, lonely holidays, families not together and the way we can’t interact with other people unless your 6 feet apart. If we want to wish someone a happy birthday, it was at a distance people drove down the street in parade formations. Lives were lost unnecessarily to this virus since so many people believed it was a hoax. It’s like mankind has been lost in a forest and no compass to direct us to find our way.

The challenges we’ve been facing has been going on for such a long time. It’s as if we are in a slow motion movie heading for a brick wall. I’ve been feeling like I’ve been trapped in a corner and all I can do is to try to protect myself from the next thing that is bound to be thrown at me. It just keeps dragging on and on. I’m more than ready to get off this train of life.

I know for myself I’m missing my friends like Jennifer H and my family that are near and far. I haven’t seen my daughter Rebechia and my grandkids for months. The sad part is that they live only 10 minutes from me. I haven’t been to church out of fear of getting sick. Since I have no immune system, I can’t risk being around others which means going to church isn’t safe. For most of the world we’ve had to wear masks when doing normal things such as grocery shopping, going to doctors appointments, visiting family members and so much more. Interacting with family and friends through zoom calls and facetime is getting old. I’m grateful that we have the kind of technology that allows us to visit our loved ones. It’s just really hard for me to visit people this way.

I’ve also been feeling a lot of spiritual chaos for a year now. I won’t go into details since I’ve mentioned the problems I’ve been dealing with concerning the church I use to go to. For me, my relationship with Christ and the interaction with other like minded people are one of the most important aspects in my life. God has been a constant in my life. He has and still is a huge part of my life. I’ve been feeling lost and alone since all of this virus stuff started in addition to other things that has been happening at church.

I’m very much missing most life events, joy, safety and a sense of well being. I’m feeling as if my life is adrift and I’ve been lost at sea looking for the directions that are needed and necessary to having a healthy and important life. My hope is for life to return to some sort of normalcy. I am hopeful that we will look back on this last year and commit to living a life of gratitude and to be grateful for the gift of life that God has given me. My prayer is that the joy, love and hope will once again return and we will all experience these things in our lives. I am hopeful that we have learned to take nothing for granted.

There are many who are fighting for their lives in all of the world. My niece Janice is in the hospital in Tucson, fighting for her life. I would love it if everyone would keep my nephew Kevin, his kids who are also fighting covid and his wife Janice in your prayers. Janice is fighting

“I am hopeful for the return of civility and calm, for the impact that a vaccine will have, that once again we will feel joy and hope and love as everyday experiences in our lives.

The words below pretty much sums up what I’ve been feeling wise below;

• Relentless
• Surreal
• Lost and Lonely
• Chaotic
• Exhausting
• Quarantine
• Nightmare
• Lawlessness

As I was watching and listening to all of the commotion that was happening beginning Tuesday, November 3rd my mind was on how everything could possibly change for the better or worse because here in the United States we were going through the election of either an old president or a new one. For me, I have been impatiently waiting. I know there are many of my friends who don’t agree with me on this and that’s more than fine. I do my best to respect those who don’t vote the same way that I do.

“I am hopeful that we can remember that we are all on the same side in the bigger picture. I am hopeful we will stop using such extreme and hateful rhetoric to describe people we don’t agree with.”

Romans 12:1-2 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Joel 2:12-14 “Even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.”  Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing— grain offerings and drink offerings for the LORD your God.

Lent lasts forty days, which represents Christ’s forty day fast in the desert, and ends on Good Friday. Lent officially begins with a reminder of our mortality on Ash Wednesday (this year, falling on February 17th today).

Lent is the way that Christians set aside a period of time (40 days) to repent reflect on Jesus Christ. Lent represents Christ’s forty day fast in the desert, and ends on Good Friday. It’s a time to consider His suffering and His sacrifice. He died on the cross for my sins and for their sins. Jesus Christ was murdered, buried and He rose from the dead.

The Significance of 40 Days

The 40-day period of Lent is based on two episodes of spiritual testing in the Bible: the 40 years of wilderness wanderings by the Israelites after the exodus from Egypt (Numbers 33:38 and Deuteronomy 1:3) and the Temptation of Jesus after he spent 40 days fasting in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11; Mark 1:12-13; Luke 4:1-13).

I’ve written about Lent in the past and I almost forgot about it this year since I have so many things going on in my life. Personally, I think that I need to observe Lent even more than in the past. My mindset hasn’t been in the best place. I’m praying that the Lord will slow the thoughts that have been going on lately. Lent couldn’t have come at a better time. I need to focus on what God’s will is for my life and for me to do what God tells me to do. Over this last year, spiritually, I’ve been trying to stay afloat since I need to find a new church home.

I’ve gone to a number of churches in my lifetime. I’ve always been a member of the Church of the Nazarene, that is until we moved to Utah and there are no Nazarene Churches where my family lives. I just finished watching a message on youtube from a Nazarene Church in Salt Lake City called the Movement Church. The video is called “Ash Wednesday Message” I haven’t taken it seriously until about 15 or 20 years ago. I didn’t have the understanding nor the importance. I’ve heard many people who have given up chocolate, alcohol and so on. That was the only thing I heard about Lent.

Since I live in Utah, which is a state where it is a primarily Mormon state. Most of my friends who are Mormon have asked me about Lent and about why I observe it. Many of my friends think it’s something that only Catholics observe. I use to think the same thing also. It’s only been around 15-20 years where I began observing Lent. When people ask me about lent and why I observe it, I will tell them that;

When I observed Lent, I give up “social media” such as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and so on. I’ve given up social media for Lent because I spend way too much time on the computer. I’ve replaced real friends for Facebook friends. The first time I’ve given up “social media” for Lent I made it a point to read and study the Word of God. I would spend time with real friends. I took part in Bible Studies or small groups. I didn’t realize how much time I was wasting online until I gave it up for Lent.

Lent is a time of reflection and renewed faith as we focus on the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. For me this is a time for me to clear distractions and recommit my life to Christ. Can you join me in prayer as I begin this Lent season. I will also be praying for everyone else. I’ll be praying for strength and guidance.

Heavenly Father, my prayer is that You will guide us towards You and for You to help me find my way and for those who are lost to find their way. Dear Lord, I can’t do what needs to be done on my own. Guide us to Your Will and not mine or those who are needing prayers. Strengthen us against the temptations of Satan and shield us from evil doers that we can’t see. Lord Jesus help us to do Your will and help us do all things with a clear and peaceful mind. You are our Comforter, our hope. us to do your will, You are our creator and my desire is to do Your will and not my own. I put my trust in You. Be with me and all of those who are needing and trusting in You alone. I say this prayer in the name of Your Son Jesus Christ, Amen.

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I wanted to forewarn everyone that this post is about how depressed I’ve been about what’s been going on at what use to be my church and I guess a sense of loss of hope.

I’m sure many of my readers know that I’ve been having a lot of feelings about what’s going on at what use to be my church. I don’t want to me

The pastor and his wife left what use to be my church literally the day before Christmas. They did the Christmas Eve service and that was it. They let the congregation know around 2 weeks before that he was moving out of state since he found a new job/church. I don’t understand why they left, but they did. I get that pastors and church leaders have to follow the promptings of God. I just can’t keep focusing on that though.

I need to shift my focus on God instead of focusing on the hurt and pains I’ve been having. Today my husband and I drove past what use to be my church and it’s like there isn’t anything left that would point to what was my church being a 70 year old church. It’s as of any remnant of what use to be my church left. The door to the basement that use to be the Hub now has the name of the church that our church hired. When I seen the sign on the street corner and there is no name of what use to be my church. I will post pictures on here, even though I didn’t want to mention the name of my old church.

I had a really hard time emotionally driving past my old church. it’s so hard moving forward since my heart is still with my old church. I’ve heard over and over again that I shouldn’t be concerned over thigs such as the name or other things.

My husband and I were talking a couple of days ago that if one of us died, what would we do. We’ve had this discussion a number of times over the year. For me, my answer has always been that I would buy a condo in St. George since we have a pretty good amount of life insurance. That’s because my roots are here. My daughters live here and so do my grandkids. For me at least I wanted to be where my church family is. But, a couple of days ago, we were talking about how we may want to increase our life insurance since it’s expensive to live here. I told my husband that now that I have no church or place where my feet are grounded, I don’t know if I would stay here.

There are many who don’t think it’s a big deal, but for me it is. The connection I had with my church family has grounded me and has made me feel complete. I told my husband that I could live anywhere now, just as long as I can be somewhat close to my daughters and grandkids. I know it sounds silly to put my hopes, dreams and heart with what use to be my church family. Now, there’s a church family that’s been strung in all directions. All of these things have been running through my mind.

I feel like I’m the only one making a big deal over what’s going on. I’ve tried talking to others that use to go to church with me and they have been able to move on for the most part, but not completely. 

As I close this chapter and I really need to do that since the hurt I’m feeling is preventing me from finding a church home that God has intended me to be at. I also need to remember that it isn’t God’s fault for how His children act and behave. I shouldn’t ever leave church. Even though I’m no longer going to the church I just left, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t another church out there that God is directing me to.

I’ve been praying that God will guide and direct me to my new church home. The Bible tells us that the “church” is not a building, instead it’s a body of those who believe in God. 

• Hebrews 10:25 says, “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another.” 

These are some of the things that I’m looking at when choosing a new church home.

• Find a church that teaches that the Bible is God’s inspired Word.
• Is the church a place that focuses on local and international missionaries? We are told in Matthew 28:19–20 that we need to go into the world and make disciples of all nations and that we need to share the Gospel with everyone.

Matthew 28:19–20  : Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father ad of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

• For me at least, music is important. I love the old hymns, but I not only enjoy contemporary music speaks to my heart and mind. My favorite groups are Casting Crowns, For King and Country, Lauren Daigle, Jeremy Camp and so on. For me at least many of the hymns that I hear sounds like they are at a funeral. I know that God wants us to sing with a joyful heart. I know that I shouldn’t choose a church because of the music, but it’s important.
• I want to find a church where politics aren’t part of the church service. Praying for our countries leaders and for our president are things we all need to pray over. However if the sermon because a political message, I won’t be back at that church.

As I was typing out this blog post, I was listening to “Pandora” on my ROKU streaming device this song by Jonny Diaz called “Breathe”. I’ve never really paid attention to the actual words to this song. I hear it and will sing along with it and then wait for the next song to come on. This song was as if God was directing me to just step back and take a moment to breathe. Click on the link below to listen to the song. The lyrics are below the video for this song..

Breathe By; Jonny Diaz

Alarm clock screaming bare feet hit the floor

It’s off to the races everybody out the door

I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life

Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can

Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand

So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life

It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day

When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel You say just

(chorus)

Breathe, just breathe

Come and rest at My feet

And be, just be

Chaos calls but all you really need

Is to just breathe

Third cup of joe just to get me through the day

Wanna make the most of time but I feel it slip away

I wonder if there’s something more to this crazy life

I’m busy, busy, busy, and it’s no surprise to see

That I only have time for me, me, me

There’s gotta be something more to this crazy life

I’m hanging on tight to another wild day

When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear You say just

(chorus)

Breathe, just breathe

Come and rest at My feet

And be, just be

Chaos calls but all you really need

Is to take it in fill your lungs

The Peace of God that overcomes

Just breathe

Let your weary spirit rest

Lay down what’s good and find what’s best

Just breathe

(chorus)

Just breathe, just breathe

Come and rest at My feet

And be, just be

Chaos calls but all you really need

Is to just breathe

I hope this blog post doesn’t come across as negative and I hope that people don’t think this is a blame game kind of thing. I’ve rewritten this post a few times since I keep sharing my feelings too much.

I want to start off by saying that the pain that I’m feeling isn’t because God failed me. God has always been there for me and I know that God is in control of all things.

I couldn’t figure out why people would stop going to an in-person church. For me, it made no sense since I feel that Christians should worship with other Christians. We shouldn’t just sit in front of a computer or a TV and be spiritually fed. My opinions and feelings have changed since there have been way too many curve balls that have been thrown.

I’ve been looking for answers to the question that is based on why do people stop going to churches in person.  There’s a lot of questions and answers. But, this is something that I found on another website and for me, this hit the nail on the head. This website page is called “The Life” and this is the page on their church that discusses many of the things that I have been feeling for some time now. “The Hurting Church”.

Being hurt by the church is not something that happens once in a while. We often find people who have been deeply wounded by the family of God, leaving them worn and exhausted. Leaders are sometimes in conflict with other believers, robbed of the joy that Jesus promised. When we examine our own bruised souls, it can make us want to leave the church and even put God on a “back burner” since he has allowed it all.

I’ve been finding for some time now that I’ve been hiding my hurt feelings for quite a while. I don’t want to upset people since sharing my honest thoughts might cause pain in someone else’s life. I don’t want to offend others by sharing what’s really going on in my life.

I’ve heard over and over again that I just need to suck it up and basically that I need to put my Sunday best on my emotions and to trust God. I’m always hearing how I’ve overreacting and that things will get better.  So, I end up grumbling and pushing my pain away. Eventually, something else is said or done and those feelings come back even stronger. Then I end up blowing a gasket and I fully unload everything that I’ve been feeling all at the same time.

I didn’t want to share much of anything about what’s been going on at my church. but, I think I need to voice my feelings since they are eating away. I hope this doesn’t offend people. But, if my feelings do, I can’t help that. These are the reasons why I’ve been having a very hard time spiritually speaking and why I’m at a point in my walk with Christ. I love the Lord. My issues right now are the hurt that I’ve been having over the past 2 years in my church.

My church has been going through a lot of changes this year. It started before 2020 kicked into high gear. I’m so ready for 2020 to be done and over with. Before Christmas 2019,  our pastor put in a notice saying that he was resigning. It was actually less than two weeks. A search committee was formed immediately and we began scrambling searching for our next pastor.

Then about eight weeks or so covid-19 virus literally forced churches, businesses such as restaurants, stores, and so on to shut the doors. The search committee was forced to think outside of the box. I told my daughter Jessica that it’s like Satan has a hold on an entire nation and world because of this virus. However, no matter how bad things get Satan doesn’t win, Christ wins.

On June 14th, our church voted on uniting Pastor Sam Martin from Red Mesa Fellowship. St. George Comunity is basically a church that was for senior citizens. I’ve talked to Pastor Dean before he left about how if we don’t change things such as bringing younger people, families, and students from Dixie State University that our church will die. Nearly all of the members are in the over 60 age range. Since the merger took place there are people of all ages.

Last year, a lot of people left the church for various reasons. I won’t share their reasons since it’s their job to share if they want to. Many of those who left, they did that because they weren’t being heard. Their feelings were dismissed and told that if they don’t like how things are going, then they should leave. I’m not using the exact phrases. But, in general.

I know that things are always changing. St. George Community needed a pastor who has a vision to bring in people of all ages. I’m all for that. We needed to find a pastor that also has leadership skills. I’ve been watching Red Mesa Fellowships youtube channel for a long time. I don’t have a problem with pastor Sam, but I do have a problem with how it feels like St. George Community Church has died.

The church’s name has changed. The only ones who can use the church are those who are with Red Mesa Fellowship. My daughter formed a flute choir and has been using the church building to practice and she was told that since it isn’t from Red Mesa Fellowships that she can no longer use the church to practice. My daughter is a member of St. George Community Church and it’s a slap in the face when they say that she can no longer use the church.

St. George Community Church no longer exists. When te pastor and his team got voted in, St. George Community died. I’ve had many people sharing their thoughts and concerns. I didn’t think what they said would actually happen. instead of our church hiring a new pastor, they felt like our church handed over the keys and ownership of St. George Community Church to the person who was supposedly hired.

I defended and even voted for our church to hire the pastor. I had some concerns and that was over the name change. I didn’t think things would happen the way it did. There has been a lot of pastors in our area who said that St. George Community is located in a location that every church and pastor would want.

One of my pastor friends told me that if they knew how easy it was to gain control over the church, they would have pushed harder to become the new pastor. Most of what my friend said I don’t agree with. But, some things I do. I won’t go into a lot of details since this post is way too long already. I don’t want to do the blame game.

St. George Community Church is located directly across the street from a university. it’s the perfect church to reach out to the students at Dixie State University. Unfortunately, there isn’t a St. George Community Church any longer. it’s going to take me a long time to heal and I don’t know if I will be able to trust what any of the leadership team of what used to be St. George Community Church. As of right now, I won’t walk through the doors of any church. I will be watching church online. But, emotionally I can’t trust any church or pastor.

I’m very hurt by what’s going on at Community. The pain I’m feeling right now is like I’ve lost a loved one. St. George Community is down the street from St. George Cemetary. I think thee should be a plot and headstone since I feel that there needs to be a funeral. I’m sure there are many who thinks I’m being dramatic. Anyhow, this is how I’m feeling.

I haven’t lost my faith, but I think it’s because I’ve been mourning the things that have been going on at church. I know I need to find the right church. I think that’s the best thing to do. I need to be around those who are like-minded. I’m very hurt by what’s going on at Community.

I shouldn’t feel this way since it is just a building. but, Community was more than a building, it was a place to worship God and be with brother and sisters in Christ. The reality of all of that has been a sucker punch.

I would appreciate it if anyone could pray for me and for me to find some direction from God. I also need prayers so I can get past the pain that I’ve been feeling. I also need prayers for me to be able to forgive those who have caused all of these things that are going on. I don’t know who or what that’s causing all of these things to happen.

Thanks for letting me share my feelings and the pain that I’m feeling.

This post is a bit long and I hope I don’t get hate messages since this is a hot topic. This will be the last post I’ll post on this.

I don’t like posting things that are political. I’m making this exception and I hope I don’t have people coming after me. I hope you all understand that this isn’t anti Trump or any other politicians. If you are commenting, please be kind, I’m just posting accurate information since there has been so much false information. I’ve researched this and I made sure the links I’ve shared are reputable. If people are commenting about horrible things, then I will remove the comment sections.

I’ve been extremely ticked off because I hear my husband, my daughters, family members, friends, and strangers who keep saying that this virus is nothing more than the flu or cold. Then I hear people saying things like President Trump says it’s a hoax, so it much be. I want to see a medical degree for Trump and other politicians. Dr. Ben Carson is the only politician that I would believe. I will ALWAYS listen to what those in the medical field like Dr. Fauci says. At least he has an actual medical degree.

I  don’t care if a politician is a Republican or a Democrat or whatever other parties. I personally feel that if I had any kind of medical issues, I would go to a Dr. and not a politician. I’m not taking anyone’s side. I’m siding with those who have a medical degree.

They are saying that they are expendable and older and have medical problems, so it isn’t a big deal. I have many medical things going on. When I hear people saying this, it ticks me off big time. if someone is in a care center and they get this virus, people shouldn’t be worried since they are older and at the end of their lives anyhow. These comments bother me and upset me.

I’m going to put links to some of the things that have been shared.  These links aren’t my own, they belong to others.

1. Utah listed in coronavirus ‘Red Zone’ according to White House Task Force report… Read Article and Watch the Video

2. 85 infants in one Texas county test positive for coronavirus… Read Article

3. This article just posted online on July 17, 2020, 4:40 PM … White House blocks CDC director from testifying on schools reopening… Read the full article.
4. Since I live in the high desert in Utah. Our temps right now are around 110 degrees. Some friends have the thought that this virus will end since it is so hot. The news has been saying that this virus won’t survive… Read the article on it.

5. 18 Coronavirus Autopsies (This is what they found in the Brain) | COVID-19-Watch Video

6. Southwest Utah counts 2,000th COVID-19 case as doctors, LDS leaders call for facemasksRead Article (The Spectrum)

7. With 867 new COVID-19 cases, Utah sets another record Friday… Read Article
8. Coronavirus can damage the heart, according to a study that found abnormalities in over half of patients tested…Read Article
9. Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti Warns He Is On Brink Of Issuing A Total Shutdown Order As Coronavirus Hospitalizations, ICU Cases Hit New High…Read Article

10. Trump splits with Fauci over virus surge, says U.S. “in a good place” Read Article

11. CDC director fears fall and winter may be ‘one of the most difficult times that we have experienced in American public health’… Read Article

Dr. Fauci has been basically put on trial in the sense of Trump leading him to the slaughter. Those take extreme measures when it comes to supporters taking physically and media-wise going after them. I’m not saying that all of his supporters are this extreme, but there are some people who are physically harming those who don’t agree with Trump.

I don’t want to make this post sound like it’s anti-Trump since I’m not saying that. I’m talking about those who are extreme and they are doing things that are dangerous. I don’t want people thinking that I’m slamming Trump. I’m posting these articles because of what he has been saying and how dangerous his words are going to get someone hurt or killed. Since I have a huge amount of medical problems, what he’s been saying can potentially hurt someone and I take that personally since I’m in the high-risk category.

Here are only some examples;

1. Trump Encourages Violence From His Supporters. They’re Listening. President Donald Trump riles up his base with veiled threats of violence. His followers at rallies and protests can’t help but latch on… Read Article

2. White House Changes Rules On Coronavirus Reporting To Bypass CDC: Report – The new process hands the Trump administration more control over data surrounding the worsening COVID-19 crisis…Read Article

3. Trump’s Lies About The Coronavirus Raise The Risk Of A Recession- Read Article

I also want to include some of the people who have died from this seemingly lie that so many are believing. I can’t go into my sources, but the numbers that we are hearing that have either gotten it or died is a low count. Many have death certificates that say they died of heart disease or pneumonia. But, most of the ones that are dying were healthy and had no heart or lung issues until they got COVID. COVID is killing people of all ages and people who haven’t had any medical problems before they died.

More than 500,000 people have been killed by Covid-19. A quarter of them is Americans.

Cases in the U.S. CDC

The ones who we should be listening to are those with medical degrees and those who know what they are talking about, not some politician. More information from the CDC Website...

They have the current day to day information that is trustworthy instead of politicians trying to grab attention. This is serious and life and death things. I wish all politicians both Republicans and Democrats would stop using this as a tool to get people to vote for them.

• TOTAL CASES3,355,45758,858 New Cases* and as of July 14th
• TOTAL DEATHS135,235351 New Deaths*
• Provisional COVID-19 Death Counts by Sex, Age, and State- Click Here

People of all ages have gotten Covid-19. The youngest was a newborn baby who caught it from her mom. The mom didn’t know she had the virus and she was doing what most new moms, well all moms would do. The new mom hugged and loved on her new baby. unfortunately, she didn’t know she had the virus and she passed it on to her newborn baby. The mom was sent to ICU and was put on a ventilator and I believe the baby was sent to NICU did the baby tested positive a few days later.

More than 500,000 people have been killed by Covid-19. A quarter of them is Americans… Read Article 

Current Information  for Utah – July 17th, 2019

SALT LAKE CITY — After appearing this week as one of 18 “red zone” states with high rates of new COVID-19 cases in an unpublished report created for the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Utah again reported a high number of new cases on Friday.

The Beehive State confirmed 727 new cases as 8,278 more tests were reported, an 8.8% positive rate, according to the Utah Department of Health. Since the pandemic began, 32,572 positives out of 447,806 tests have been recorded, with a 7.3% positive rate. Read more of this article. 

I hope that people who are reading this aren’t thinking that I’m bashing Trump. I’m bashing the way our country has been handling this virus. I also hope that people will use some common sense when it comes to educating yourself. Don’t let the media or the internet be your main source.

In closing, I wanted to share a video that I was watching that’s about this virus. It’s a channel called “Korean Englishman”. Josh and Olie did this video on how the UK and Korea is handing this virus and how Korea was able to end the pandemic. The UK and the USA have been handling this virus and educating and keeping the public safe in the same way. if you want to watch the video to see what I’m talking about, here’s the link to Korean Englishman.

We can’t move forward if we keep looking back.

My church has been going through a lot of changes for a while. Our pastor resigned around Christmas which means that St. George Community Church is stepping into a new season.

Ephesians 4:11-12 –And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds, and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ,

My prayers have been focused on finding a pastor who God sent our way. These are the things I’ve been focusing my prayers on.

1. God sends us a pastor who has a vision for reaching the lost and advancing the Kingdom of God.
2. Finding a pastor who has strong leadership skills.
3. Putting our trust in God since He knows what our church needs. Instead of following our own wishes.
4. Praying for the search committee and the leadership team since finding the man who God sends our way.

As our church moves into this new season, God will move us in the right direction, however, we need to trust in Him alone and not lean on our own understanding. If we get stuck in the past, then we cannot move forward.

Our family has been at our church for over 25 years. During that time, we’ve had a number of pastors. Whenever we had to find a new pastor, there were changes. The transitions weren’t always easy. When Pastor Keck retired, we ended up with a pastor that split the church. We went from 100 people every Sunday to 40 people. There are many reasons for how this happened. Our church members voted against the pastor and his family because he had children who were younger and the pastor was in his 30’s or 40’s. They also said that they didn’t want him because they wanted someone their age since he would understand their needs. Instead, they voted for a different pastor, which almost destroyed our church.

I want everyone to know that this happened about 20 years ago. Our church has a different congregation now. Hopefully, history doesn’t repeat itself. The pastor that was hired had a hard time because most of the members for the most part were comparing Pastor Wayne to Ellis Keck. Everyone loved Ellis. I adored Ellis and he was able to reach people and kids of all ages. I was also guilty of comparing Pastor Wayne to Pastor Keck.

In my point of view and I may be wrong. So, please don’t quote me. When we are searching for a new pastor, there isn’t anything wrong with wanting a pastor who has a fresh perspective and is able to offer the kind of leadership skills that are needed for our church’s next season as a church. There’s always going to be risks since there isn’t a perfect person out there, therefore we need to have faith in the Lord and trust Him.  I honestly believe that the voice of the Lord will lead us in the righter direction if we listen. it’s foolish for me to listen to my own heart and mind since it’s wiser to listen to the Lord.

 The LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

Since our church is looking for a new pastor and we’re getting ready to vote for Pastor Sam in a few weeks I hope that the members of our church will realize that there is no perfect person unless you’re Jesus. There are no perfect congregations. Again, we are in a new season. God has been answering some of my prayers through my dreams. I will be sharing some of those dreams in the next blog.

2 Timothy 4:2  – Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.

Out of My Comfort Zone;

I’m a creature of nature. I don’t like change and I prefer things the same way since that’s my comfort zone. My normal patterns are that I walk into church, I sit in the same place on the same pew. I know the order of service and I know where everyone is sitting. I also start looking at the clock if the service goes over 12 noon I will start fidgeting along with a lot of other people.

For over 25 years, If someone is sitting in “my seat”. I get upset and agitated since someone “stole” my seat. I’m not the only person who does this. There were a man and woman who sits 2 pews ahead of me. They sit by the window.  A couple of students from Dixie State University was visiting our church. They sat in Glen and June’s “spot”. Glen stood there and asked them to move since that was their seat. Our pastor ended up putting a notification about this. He said that there is no saving of seats and that we must welcome newcomers. Glen and June were in their 80’s or 90’s.

The reason I’m mentioning this is that people don’t want to change. They want everything the same way. I’m this way also. By doing this though, we’re telling people that they aren’t welcome.

My daughter Jessica ended up taking my grandkids to another church because some of the people at church made their feelings clear that they didn’t want any kids since they make noises and disrupt things. We love our church. We can’t keep saving our seats because eventually there won’t be anyone wanting to come to church since they don’t feel like they are welcomed. Jessica is in the stage of waiting,  If we got the right pastor that God wants to go in the direction of growth and reaching out to people of all ages and her kids, then she would be over the moon knowing that JJ and Josalyn would be welcome.

When I remember the times many times when I’ve prayed for God to send me someone to help and then when help arrives, I turn it down. That’s because I didn’t get the kind of help I thought I wanted instead of what God knows I needed.  It’s the same way with churches. I’ve been praying for God to send our church someone who has a vision for advancing the kingdom of God. Our church is a couple of weeks away from voting for Pastor Sam Martin. I’ve been listening to Red Mesa Fellowships sermons on youtube and his videos called “Grace Talks”. These messages on “Grace Talks” was what helped me see what and who Pastor Sam is and what he believes. This is their facebook Page. 

If any readers that go to my church, it’s important for you to listen to what Tom who’s one of our members has to say. Please watch the service and please keep our church in our prayers. This is a video of this week’s service at my church St. George Community Church with guest pastor Pastor Sam Martin from Red Master Fellowship).

I will be sharing a few dreams that I’ve been having when I pray about our church in the next blog. These dreams are answers that I received when I prayed about our church. These dreams are also why I’m voting yes on Pastor Sam. I wasn’t going to until I had these dreams. I wasn’t going to since it would mean a lot of changes for our church. But, changes are what needed to happen since this new season. If there aren’t changes, then we might as well count our church as a dying church, which is what it is at this time.

Our church has been having a very difficult season that started before our previous pastor resigned. His last sermon was on Christmas Eve. Ever since then our church has been searching for a pastor who God wants us to have. Then the whole covid-19 happened. Our church stopped having services at the end of March and we just started having services again on May 24th. Pastor Sam Martin did the first sermon when we started back up and will be preaching for the next two services.

The pastor that our church is preparing to vote on I believe he is the right person. I may not agree on some things but,  that’s because I’m used to doing things the way we’ve always have been doing them. I’ve had so many people ask me about what they should do and they share their thoughts. The only thing I can tell them is that they have to vote for what’s best for our church. They need to pray about God’s Will and not our own. I’ve asked myself many questions about this and all I can think about is that if we don’t listen to God, then we might as well shut the doors and sell the church to Dixie State University. The way things are now and have been for the last 6 months, our church will cease to exist since it is a dying church. The only way our church can survive is if we start listening to God and stop listening to our minds.

Some people may not be comfortable with the changes since he doesn’t fit their criteria or mold that we’ve had in the past. Just because God sent someone who is different than my ideas or service styles, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be open to change. Too many people are wanting someone like our previous pastors. I’m not the kind of person to surrender, but this is something that I must do. I trust in the Lord and will do what God desires.

I’m not telling people who to vote for. I’m just asking people to pray and listen to the voice of God.

I will be doing this series for the next few weeks. I will also be including videos of another person youtube channel since she has been very helpful and has been giving me some peace while I begin this process. If she happens to come to my blog, I hope she knows how blessed I am because of her journey. This is Glitterhead Dental Diaries. This is her link. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDtEudTYmP3QASYL0PFrFEw

I’ve been having a lot of problems with my teeth recently. I had no idea until I talked to others in the Guillain Barre Syndrome support group that it’s common to have severe problems with teeth. My teeth have been crumbling all the way to the gums. Today I lost 2 more teeth. I’ve stopped going to most places, church services, or visiting friends. The only place I go anywhere is when I have to pick up my husband’s check and cash it. I will go out to eat with my daughter Jessica and my grandkids. It’s only on Fridays that I go out of the house. This means I only leave the house 4 days a month unless I have to go to a Dr’s appt. On those days, I’m only gone 2-3 hours on Fridays. So, I need to for sure get my teeth done.

About 2 1\2  to 3 yrs ago, my teeth were in great shape. I didn’t really have any cavities. I’ve only been to the dentist to remove my wisdom teeth. I also had one of my tooths break since I had a cavity so I had to have a cap and crown. My dentist told me that it was a good thing that my teeth are in good shape since I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to going to the dentist.

The reason why I have anxiety when I go to the dentist is because of an experience I had with a local dentist. I went to Dr. Erickson to have my four wisdom teeth removed. The assistant or the dentist put novocaine in to make things numb so they could remove them without pain. I think it was the dentist who did the injections. Anyhow, he started on the first wisdom tooth and I was in horrible pain. My sister Joyce was living with us and she went with the appt.

He started on the first tooth and I could feel everything. I was trying to tell him that he forgot to numb that tooth and the area. He told me that I was overreacting and proceeded. The tooth was attached to the bone in my jaw and the roots. I had swelled so extremely that it was interfering with my throat.  They did numb all of the other three teeth and they were removed without any issues. But, the trauma of that experience has stayed with me ever since.

I’ve been praying for a very long time about my teeth and the fear of going to the dentist. My health is very bad and my doctors told me almost 3 years ago that I need to get my teeth removed since I’m a risk of getting endocarditis. Endocarditis is an infection in the heart. I had it one other time, which was after I went to the dentist that pulled my wisdom teeth. I was in the hospital for almost 3 months.

As I was praying I was having dreams about someone helping me get the dentures and other costs associated. I know that some of the things in my dreams were accurate because of how things happened.  A friend of mine works at a dentist’s office that does dentures and other dental things.  I made an appt at Smiles Restored since a friend of mine works there. I know she is a Christian. She will be present when I have my surgery. After my consultation a few weeks ago, I let some friends who were wanting me to update them. I let them know what the dentist said. I know that God is in control of all things.

I knew I had dental insurance. My insurance will cover only $2000.00  and then there was still around $3000.00 in addition to that. Then I’m getting the snapin dentures for the bottom dentures since they will be harder to keep the dentures in place.  I  knew it would take some time for me to find the money to pay for the extra. I was planning on selling my van since I wouldn’t be able to pay more that much. When I shared what the dentist said to some friends that are in my church, one of the guys and his mom called Smiles Restored and paid the entire balance that my insurance didn’t pay. Since I’m getting snap in dentures, I’m paying the extra $1500 for the bottom snap-ins. My friend from church would have paid for them, but I didn’t want him to feel obligated to pay the extra.

Since the bill was paid in full 30 minutes after my appt, I can get the top and bottoms. Since I have so much anxiety about the dentist I have to be knocked out. My anxiety in the past due to that one experience, I’ve had panic attacks even when if I need to call a dentist. When I had the cap and crown, it took Dr. Earl around 4 hours to do it since I would start trembling and shaking. My palms sweat profusely. Because of this, an anesthesiologist will be present. My friend also made to pay for this since they would have to use gas and then prescribe Valium. But, the medications I’m on wouldn’t be compatible with Valium.

Since I’ve been praying for my teeth for so long. God made sure to provide a way for my teeth to get done. Since God has answered my prayers, I have to get them done. What good would praying for God to help me find a way and the means to get my teeth done. It does no good to pray for something and not do it.

On Wednesday, May 13th I will have oral surgery. All of the roots and any teeth that are there will be removed.  I would love it if you all could pray for me. I know that God put everything and everyone in place. I’m still very anxious and it’s getting worse as we get closer. I’ve been watching a few videos on Youtube about the who process and their experiences. One of the channels, I’ve subscribed to.

There has been a great deal of suffering in our world. One of the top concerns right now is the Coronavirus ( Covid-19).  There have been disruptions to families, employment and our normal day to day activities.

It’s been easy to get caught up in all of the fears when it comes to employment, health and other things. There are some things I worry about, but those things are because of people hoarding normal day to day things like toilet paper, water, and other things.

We are in a season of uncertainty. This week alone, I’ve had to get food and household items. Every time I go to the store, I’m only able to get a part of what I need since people are hoarding things.  When I go to Smiths Grocery Store, shelves are empty and people are grabbing food from others in the line.

There are many Bible verses that talk about that God promises us that He is with us and is taking care of us. Philippians 4:6-7 is one of those go-to verses that help me get through a difficult time.

Philippians 4:6-7 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I’ve been reading a number of devotionals and just watching online videos on youtube from other churches. I enjoy listening to the services on youtube since I have a difficult time getting to church because of my health.  These are some channels I watch on Youtube/ Or I stream church on our ROKU device.

• Oro Valley Church of the Nazarene in Tucson, AZ is one of my favorite churches I stream. This is the sermon from Sunday (March 15, 2020). I use to actually go to this church when I was a teenager. This message is about what’s going on in the world and Pastor Craig’s message gives hope and speaks to my heart.
• First Baptist Church of Sutherland Springs, Texas – This church experienced a great deal of sadness and fear when a gunman came into their church and murdered most of the congregation. My personal views are that God was there for them and offered them peace and hope. The church had on a good Sunday less than 50 people. The entire community wrapped their arms around the church and now the church has hundreds of people now. God was there for them in their darkest times. I really enjoy the sermons.
• South Mountain Community Church (SMCC) which is in St. George, Utah. I enjoy their services and music. My daughter takes her two kids there since our church has no kids. But, I really like this church and you can watch it online.
• Red Mesa Fellowship is a church that’s here locally. I’ve been watching their services for some time. They also have a podcast type of thing mid-week which I really like. Our church is looking for a new pastor and the pastor from this church came to do a sermon. I was pretty happy that he was at church. even though I can’t be around a lot of people because of the immune system. So, I watch this church also on my ROKU streaming device.

• In My Heart There Rings a Melody – Andy Harsant
• Alan Jackson – When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder
• Trust and Obey– I’ve always loved this song.
• Alan Jackson – What A Friend We Have In Jesus

Father Brown – This is a show I found by accident. It’s about a catholic priest who seems to always find trouble. It’s funny and very entertaining. It takes place in Ireland I think.

Call The Mid Wives is an awesome series. This is in East London. Such a good series and it’s actually based on true events and there is a book that the series is based on t. The main character Jenny is true.

1. John 14:27 – “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” – John 14:27

I would like to end this blog with a prayer for peace. 

Heavenly Father, I know that you know me and all of us more than we know ourselves. The world is in a season of chaos and worry. Help us all look at the circumstances that we are going through from your perspective. I trust and rely on our strength since I can’t lean on my own. My prayer is that the world will rely on Your strength and peace during this time. I ask you to give me the words and encouragement to be there for others. Give me the strength and courage to offer peace. Please be with all of those who are struggling and worrying about paying their bills staying healthy. My prayer is that panic and fear doesn’t take over. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Updated 2/19. 20- I was just listening to a message that Peter Frey just posted. I always listen to his podcast. Tonight’s message is important.I was having a conversation with friends about this topic and then I get the notification that he posted this. 

TRUSTING GOD AMIDST UNCERTAINTY | Matthew 6:25-34 | Living with Hope Podcast … Click here to listen to his podcast.

I did this blog post while I was very tired. I want to apologize before you read it since I may be a bit scatterbrained since I’m very tired. 

A friend of mine by the name of Eric Dodge posted this on his Facebook wall. I hope it’s OK with Eric that I posted his staus from his page.

This makes me sad. I’ve shopped with my grandma many times and I know how specific she is on her needs. I will make sure she has what she needs and isn’t running low. If anyone knows anyone in this group that gets in (real) trouble let me know or someone close to them know. Check on your elderly loved ones and make sure they have what they need. Medicines, soaps, food, etc.

All of this stocking up on things that you don’t really need only because they want to gouge people like these brothers in Tennesse who bout something like 18,000 bottles of sanitizer. Now they are being investigated and facing charges. The brothers told The New York Times that he tried to sell some for $70 a bottle. That same article reported Colvin sold 300 bottles at a markup on Amazon before the listings were removed.

I just read that the brothers donated all of the sanitizers. I’m sure they had a ton of pressure to do that.

The Man With 17,700 Bottles of Hand Sanitizer Just Donated Them Read More…

Here’s an article that discusses what the brothers are doing. I also put links that will direct you to websites that are price gauging.

• Hand Sanitizer is normally under $2.00  but these brothers are or were charging $70.00 for 1 bottle.
• Arrowhead Bottled Water- I normally pay $4.99 for a case of this. When it’s on sale, I get these for $3.99 at Smiths. On this website, the price is $59.19 and this is one of the cheaper prices.
• Arrowhead 1 gallon of distilled water for my ASV breathing machine. They’re charging $92.89 for 1 gallon of distilled bottled water. Normally I pay less than $2.00 each.

I was reading about how people are in a state of panic because of the spread of the coronavirus. When I went to Smiths last week, they have signs all over the store that is letting people know that they can’t buy more than 3 items of the household like toilet paper, sanitizers and so on. So many websites are telling people to stock stockpiling toilet paper,  baby wipes and so many other items. A family that I know has 3 kids. Two of the children are school-aged and the youngest is in diapers. The little one is 2 years old. They live in Salt Lake City. area They had only 13 diapers left for their daughter. They went store to store trying to find diapers and wipes. Every store they went to had no diapers and wipes left. They needed toilet paper and they are having to resort to using napkins to wipe with. But, since they can’t find diapers anywhere, they are forced to try to potty change their daughter.

(LA Times Article) “Antiseptic wipes and Clorox disinfecting wipes are flying out of here,” he said. “We can’t keep those in stock.”

All of the people that know me personally know my medical issues. I don’t like getting into my medical history unless it’s where I’m trying to raise awareness for Guillian Barre Syndrome or Myasthenia Gravis. But, I do want to share how the Coronavirus is affecting me personally. I do worry about this virus. The reason why is because of my medical history. Also, I get nervous when I’m around others because of my immune system. A simple cold, flu or whatever could land me in the hospital big time. I can’t take immunizations because of the way they created. My immune system can’t handle it since they use live virus’s in some.

What can you do to protect yourself?

(World Health Organization) Experts agree that for viral infections including the common cold, flu and coronavirus, the most effective way to protect yourself is regular hand-washing with warm water and soap, plus avoiding touching your nose and mouth.

To wash your hands properly, the World Health Organization suggests scrubbing your palms with a large dollop of soap before interlacing and clasping the fingers, then scrubbing around the thumbs and the backs of your hands. The whole process should take 40 to 60 seconds.

Because of everyone stockpiling items like bottled water, toilet paper,  hand sanitizer, it’s causing major issues for those who are older and those who have a compromised immune system aren’t able to get the items because of people buying and stockpiling items that are needed.

• When I was diagnosed with Guillian Barre Syndrome, I was completely paralyzed. I got GBS because of a flu shot. My nerve endings didn’t repair themselves. Most people who get GBS will regain their strength. My lungs and heart have long term effects. A simple cold or the flu will land me in the hospital. My initial diagnosis was GBS, but they later diagnosed me with CIPD. Here’s a video of a young man by the name of Andrew.I don’t have a video of when I was first diagnosed. But this video will give you an idea of the effects of Guillian Barre Syndrome.
•  I have the CIPD variant of Guillian Barre Syndrome. Here’s what CIPD is… Chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy (CIDP) is a neurological disorder — a condition that targets your body’s nerves.
• A number of years ago, I was also diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis. Myasthenia Gravis is a form of Muscular Dystrophy. Myasthenia Gravis has caused a whole new set of issues like double vision, breathing problems, swallowing problems and so on.
• When I went to my neurologist in Las Vegas about 8 or 9 years ago, they found out when they did an MRI that I have 3 markers for MS. They said something about the white matter is doing something and they have noticed that the nerves in my brain are demyelinating. They prescribed medication that may help me since I have issues with my memory. I have a very hard time remembering current things. They put me on a medication called Aricept. They normally give that medicine for Alzheimer’s.

When I went to my neurologist they told me that it’s common for people who have autoimmune diseases to have more than one. She said it happens because my body is fighting itself. Between all of my Dr’s, they have helped with stabilizing things that are going on with me.

I now have a pacemaker since my heart does weird things. I have malignant hypertension. My blood pressure on a regular basis is around 260/125. My cardiologist said that I need to tell my family that they are doing everything they can do. They told me to tell my family that one day I won’t wake up. Which I did tell them that. One of my Dr’s said that they are waiting for a stroke to happen.

The muscles around my heart and lungs are that my brain tells my lings that it doesn’t need to breathe.  I have central sleep apnea. Central sleep apnea occurs because your brain doesn’t send proper signals to the muscles that control your breathing. This condition is different from obstructive sleep apnea, in which you can’t breathe normally because of upper airway obstruction. Central sleep apnea is less common than obstructive sleep apnea.

I should get to the point of this blog. I have a tendency to mention things over and over again. If I do that or if I ramble through words I’m sorry. Since I have a lot of problems breathing, the shortness of supplies like bottled water and distilled water makes it difficult since I need the water in my ASV machine. It looks and kind of operates like a CPAP machine. If I shouldn’t use tap water in the ASV machine, then I would need distilled water.

One of the symptoms of me having Complex Sleep Apnea is the way I breathe when I go to sleep.  I have what’s called Cheyne-Stokes breathing. https://www.sleep-apnea-guide.com/cheyne-stokes.html

But, because of the way people are buying items like distilled water and other items, it makes it difficult for those who have life-threatening diagnoses or high-risk patients. The hospital pharmacy delivers hand sanitizer thankfully. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have any. I’ve looked on Amazon for things like toilet paper and bottled water. Because of people buying all of these things that people who have an autoimmune disease, it becomes extremely dangerous since those like myself and others who have diseases that are always teetering the fine line of deciding things that are either dangerous/life-threatening or? Common sense has gone out the window and greed has and is becoming the norm.

“Angels around us, angels beside us, angels within us, angels within us. Angels are watching over you when times are good or stressed. Their wings wrap gently around you, whispering you are loved.”

I’m sure there are many who don’t know anything about Angelhaven. When I first turned on a computer, my husband told me I should check out this website since I’ve had a number of experiences with angels. In the first blog in this series, you can see how difficult it was for me to operate a computer. Obviously, I figured it out and I found Angelhaven and I started clicking on things. I found a link that had chatrooms. Anyhow, I found Gabrials Chatroom and when I found that, it was like opening the door to friends.

Jessica Delo

• Hebrews 13:2 (NIV) Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.

Jessica Delo was one of the first young ladies that I met in Angelhaven. There was something special about her. She had this inner glow and old soul type of thing. I think a lot of the people in Angelhaven felt the same way. Everyone adored her. I was trying to figure out the whole chatroom and how I could message people. Eventually, the world of chatrooms came into my life.

A day or so there was just a few of us in the room. Jessica Delo was one of those people. Eventually, it was just she and I.  We were talking about angels and she asked me if I had any experiences where I’ve seen angels. I told her there have been times that I have felt the presence of God’s messengers. I asked her if she has had any experiences and I asked her about what brought her to Angelhaven. Little did I know that there were some serious reasons why she became interested.

• Psalm 91:11-12– “For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.” 

I told her that I’ve been in the hospital a lot and almost died a few times. When I was in serious condition and ready to cross over, I experienced this incredible warmth and love. I knew that if I died, I would be in Heaven. I then told her that I use to fear death, but I don’t any longer because of the gift of peace that God gave me. This was the first conversation that I had with her. When she shared that she is very sick and that she would eventually die.  Then she told me that she was I think 17 years old. My heart just stopped there.

I actually had a hard time talking to her because at that point all I could think about is how my daughter Jessica who is just 3 years older could end up sick like Jessica Delo. But, I did continue talking to her and I’m beyond blessed. Jessica had the wisdom of someone much older. In actuality, I think I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt if she died. I was being selfish because I was thinking about my feelings instead of hers.  I’m glad I got a reality check since I was thinking about me, me, and me. I explained to Jessica that I put this wall or barrier to protect me. I never should have been that way. Jessica is one of the sweetest and genuine people ever.

I did get to meet Jessica in person. Her mom let her fly to Utah from Wisconsin. I picked her up at the Las Vegas airport and the moment I met her, there was something special. It’s hard to explain how it was like I could see a glow from her. When I met her at the gate, she was having a hard time walking straight. Physically she was having a hard time. I was so humbled by Jessica. Jessica never complained about anything.

When we got to Utah, we unpacked her stuff. I told her I would help her, and she politely told me that she can and that I should rest also since I had to drive to the airport. She did want to unpack one of her suitcases. Her mom sent Wisconsin cheese, venison jerky, and other things.  Then Jessica wanted to make us grilled cheese sandwiches Wisconsin style. Oh my goodness, she used a lot of cheese. My husband loved it.

I’ve spoked to her a number of times about how I go to Snow Canyon Park. I go there a lot because I get this warmth and it’s like God or His angels are there wrapping their arms around me. She asked me if I could take her there and I told her yes. She and I went there when it was dark. That way you could see all of the stars and since it was a full moon, the light from the moon bounces off the mountain.

This is the area of Snow Canyon Park where Jessica and I sat and talked about so many things like our faith and how we have similar experiences.

We went to Snow Canyon and she told me we should park in a certain part. She has never been to Utah and for sure not Snow Canyon since it’s part of the canyonlands. When she asked me to park in the spot, that was the same area where I would park when I needed to get closer to God. I would sit there for hours praying and just taking in the love that can’t be seen. She told me that she wanted to get out of the car because she felt a kind of peace she hasn’t felt.

When I told her that this was the spot and I go there and park for the same reason. Anyone who I’ve met in Haven has felt the same way. Well, there was one friend that I took there and I had this overwhelming feeling that I need to get out of there. I’ve never felt that kind of fear and heaviness there. Thankfully it didn’t happen with Jessica lol.

Jessica and I would have some deep conversations about faith and what her wishes would be. I will forever cherish those memories. She stayed for a week and I hated to see her go home. The next year I would go to Wisconsin to watch her graduate.

When I went to Wisconsin to watch her graduation. There were many tears.  When it came time for her to get her diploma, someone helped her walk over to get her diploma if I remember right. Jessica was on chemo and the side effects were horrible for her.  That had to have been the hardest graduation that I’ve ever been to. But, I wouldn’t change anything.

Petie going home

Petie in the hospital

cover for the episode called 51st Psalms

Back cover of he 51st Psalms

She had a graduation party at their house and there were so many people. Everyone there loved her so much. I didn’t have much money to give her a gift. But, I brought a special song with me since we were listening to it together at Snow Canyon Park.  That song is “When I See You Smile”. We watched the show,” Touched by an Angel- 51st Psalms”. We both found peace in that episode even though it was sad and things that both of us will have to one day face. That was a special time for both of us.

• 51st Psalms Link to the full show on youtube- 

She was having another horrible headache. She was laying on my lap while we were watching the show. I was rubbing her head and trying to help relieve the pain. Jessica knew why I gave her the song from the movie and we cried together while I was there for her graduation. When I listen to that song and watch that episode, it brings sadness and hopes at the same time.

I stayed in Wisconsin for 5 days and it was bittersweet when I left. I hugged Jessica before her mom took me to the airport. When I say that was a sad ride to the airport, that’s an understatement. She was 18 at this time and I knew in my heart that I won’t see her again. I was an emotional wreck for sure.

I received word a couple years later on Sept. 24th, 2003 that  Jessica died. She was only 20 years old. I hope I can accomplish just an ounce of the things she has done in her short time. She had so much love left in her. She touched people’s lives all over the world. When I met her in Gabs room on the Angelhaven page, I didn’t realize that my life was enriched more than I could ever imagine.

I can’t imagine what her mom and dad were going through. When I stayed at their house with Jessica it made me realize that we need to live each day to the fullest and not let our lives be dictated by our diagnosis or limitations. Jessica was in a lot of pain and yet she endured and she didn’t let things get in her way. I never heard her complain. I’m sure she made a difference in hundreds of people’s lives.  Here’s Jessica’s Obituary

• Hebrews 1:14  “Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?”-

Angels are sent by God to protect us and help us inherit His full kingdom. The Bible tells us that angels are His servants, carrying out His will and work for our good.

Contact Angelhaven;  

If it wasn’t for Norm Braverman who owns Angelhaven, I would never have met Jessica and so many others. I’m sure Norm didn’t anticipate just how much he has enriched so many people’s lives. If you’re looking for a special gift for someone or yourself, check out Angelhaven. 51st Psalms Link to full show-

If it wasn’t for Norm Braverman who owns Angelhaven, I would never have met Jessica and so many others. I’m sure Norm didn’t anticipate just how much he has enriched so many people’s lives. If you’re looking for a special gift for someone or yourself, check out Angelhaven. 51st Psalms Link to full show-

Contact Information

27 Coogan Blvd Suite 2A Mystic, CT 06355

860.245.0200

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