I’ve been doing a private journal for about 5 years. Since there was so many things that was going on in my life, I decided to start an online journal while life began crashing down around me. This blog series is excerpts from my private journal. I’ve been making sure that I remove names or people and places.
I’ve been working on this first series of why I left Facebook, social media and unintentionally disappearing from life and people. Social media platforms like Facebook became a place for me to experience disappointment and in a sense hopelessness for me.
About four to five years I decided to quit Facebook and other social media platforms. It wasn’t just social media platforms that I left. I basically shut down and shut out people and family members also. I didn’t have any intentions of doing that, but that’s what happened. When I left Facebook there were countless reasons for doing that. In the process of doing that, there’s negative and unintentional connections that were lost.
When I decided to step back from Facebook, there were several things going on in our world. Covid happened and that was like a switch that was turned off in the world. I’m the kind of person who replies on being around people in person. I absolutely love seeing the joy and happiness on people’s faces and in their hearts. I love putting everything into having parties at my church and in my home. The last party I had was a Christmas party that I threw at my church, and it was fabulous.
Eric Dodge and a band that my daughter Jessica was in came to the church to play music. I threw the party to thank the many people who were there for me when I was in the hospital. I invited around 100 people. Nearly everyone showed up and I think there were even more than 100 people there. It wasn’t just people from my church, it was other people who were there for me when I was in the hospital fighting for my life. When I looked at the smiling and joyful faces of everyone there, I couldn’t help but smile myself. That was the last party I’ve had at my church.
Family and friends have always been the most important thing in my life. Same thing with the people I went to church with. After in person church services happened because of Covid I started feeling disconnected from everyone. I could still watch church services online, but it affected me in a way that I’ve never experienced. I was pulling further and further away from everyone in my life. There were a lot of things going on at my church, or what used to be my church. For me, worshipping God with others was my life source.
Since there were so many changes happening at the church, I went to I became very agitated about those changes. Not only was I dealing with life threatening things health wise. Things at what used to be my church changed drastically. The only wat to deal with all these drastic changes was to shut everyone and everything down and out. I’ve even been shutting God out unintentionally. I still pray and will watch a Christian movie kind of. I’ve been trying to find the desire to reach out to those who have been in my life for the longest time and I’m at the point of just not trying to reconnect with friends and family at church. Which I’m very much failing at.
I still have my faith in God, but I’m not sure what is going to come next. This is the first time I’ve understood what people mean when they say that they have been deeply wounded by whatever church they went to. I’m not wounded by what happened at my church, but I am feeling hurt, and it isn’t even their fault. I think the way I’m feeling right now is all on me. I’ve talked to a few pastors about this, and they have said that Satan has and is working hard in the world. I know this, but I still feel like it’s my fault that I’m feeling a sense of disconnectedness and hopelessness. At this point in my life, I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for my faith in God and some friends that has been there for me during this season of struggles, I don’t know how I would deal with life. I have gone back to Facebook somewhat. But I’m reluctant to share anything anymore. I have sent messages to some friends or family that I was thinking I was close to only to get no reply. I mentioned this to someone, and they said that I’m over thinking things.
Anyhow, I’m going to close this post and then share it.