I was just thinking about how it is that someone has a hard time when it comes to accepting love and such.
I have a very dear person that I love so very much. I won’t go into names. But, for most of her life she has never felt like she deserves to have the security and love that all others have gotten or strive for.
I feel really bad for her because she has become the caregiver and the expendable one in her family. She finally gets it all together and things are working out for her and then something happens. She has never really had a home of her own for quite some time. When she gets to the point of getting on the right track, someone will come along and want her to stop what she is doing and run to their aid.
My brother-in-law is like this. Craig has had his own place off and on, but if someone were to call him up and say they need help, he would drop everything and run to that person. He took care of his grandma for years. He had no life because he did everything for her. After that, he moved to Tucson, AZ to care for his parents. There was very little gratitude. He had his own place and moved out of it so he could be there for them. Even while he was being harped on, he still helped out. All of his things went into storage. He is now retired and has never married and doesn’t really have anything.
The other person that this blog has done much of the same thing. She had her own place, moved out of it to go live with her parents. She had a good paying job and dropped everything to go help out. While the person she was caring for was grateful, there still was some pretty major bickering and fighting.
As soon as her mom died, she left the house and had nothing left. No job, home or food. While I thinking caring for those who can’t care for themselves is something we all should do. But, there are those who will take and take till there is no more.
There is a great deal of demands on those who are caregivers and it can be overwhelming, especially when you have no say so and it is as if you are in quick sand. The stress that she had has taken a toll on her health, state of mind and in a sense relationships. She was beyond the point of being burned out.
She was burned out and was having problems doing anything. While she was helping everyone else, she lost herself and plummeted into a deep depression. It’s OK to take care of others, but there comes a time when you have to take care of your own needs. She deserves to have joy and peace just as much as anyone else does.
She has given of herself for her entire life. I do think she is at a point where she realizes that she has to make a difference in her own life in order to find any real sense of happiness. While caring for others is rewarding, it has also caused stress and anxiety. The type of stress that she has experienced in her lifetime will have long-term effects on her. I worry a great deal about her. It’s as if she has no hope that things will get better when it comes to family members and so-called obligations. The type of stresses that care givers experience is damaging and disheartening.
I personally feel that there are relationships in her life that is toxic. I know for myself, I had to walk away from some friends and family members that were toxic to me. I was feeling physically and emotionally drained.
This friend of mine is in need of emotional support so she can deal with her depression and anxiety. There are times when she emotionally breaks down and ends up having panic attacks. I told her that there isn’t anything wrong with taking care of herself. I wholeheartedly think that if she was able to get her life stable and if people would stop badgering her to do this or that, that she would find inner peace. There comes a point when you have to break this vicious cycle and do what is best for her, not everyone else.
I know it sounds easy to say and I know it isn’t easy, but there comes a time when you shouldn’t let taking care of everyone take priority over your life. I would love to see her find something that will make her happy. She does enjoy doing for others and she finds joy in that. I think it would be awesome if she could just step back for a bit and find something that gives her a purpose.
I would like to tell her to “let go of the guilt”. You have done everything humanly possible. I have been guilty of guilt-tripping others. Eventually I learned that it causes a great deal of resentment on both sides of the fence. It shouldn’t be done, and unfortunately it still happens. Some of the things that others have said in order to manipulate the person is” don’t worry about me, I can do it, I have been doing it all anyhow, so why stop now?”
There has been countless conversations when it comes to using guilt trips as a means to get the person to do what they want. When guilt is being used, it destroys the relationship. When guilt is being used, it is never an act of unconditional love. It is a means to hurt and break down the person. Unfortunately it happens in relationships and in families. When someone uses guilt , suffering and resentment is going to follow.
My advice to this dear person that I can’t use her name is to tell her that there is hope. I would say that there isn’t anyone that is perfect and there will never be someone with a perfect life.
She has a longing to find a place of her own. Now is the best time to take back her life. Be the person that you know you can be and be the person God intended you to be. What she wants is nothing grand and is nothing that she can’t do. She wants to live under her own rules, with her own things. She wants to go to bed when she wants and fix her own meals without feeling like she has to ask permission. There is nothing wrong with her wanting the kind of normal life that most everyone else has.
If I were her I would make sure to make it a point to let those who want to use guilt and manipulate her to end that pattern. She is a married adult who has never been able to really live her life in the way she has desired. She is dispensable and for some reason, they feel that she can give up her hopes and dreams in order for them to have the hopes and dreams they want. I am very proud of her for standing her ground. It isn’t an easy feat at all. Her whole life has been to please everyone and not make waves. I say, make all the waves you want. You deserve to be happy and you are just as important as anyone else is.
Now is the time to take your life back and now is the time to realize that you don’t have to keep running. Now is the time to realize that you are loved by many and that God loves you unconditionally.
I would recommend reading about the signs of a toxic person… Click here to read…