A friend of mine that I met many years ago online wrote a status on her Facebook that said, “I hate feeling that I have to be everyone’s “rock”.” I adore this friend and she has a heart of gold. I pray that she is able to find her happy place.
I have felt like this from time to time until a friend told me nobody expected me to be the “rock”. At first I was upset until we talked about it a bit more and I could understand why my friend told me this, and he is right.
This is my reply to her message;
“You know what I think about this and I hope it doesn’t come off as being bad. I have always had the mindset that I had to be strong for everyone else. When in reality, that wasn’t the case. They never asked for me to be strong for them, I just took it upon myself as if that is how it should be. In reality, I was making it more difficult for those around me by me thinking it had to be me doing everything and being “supermom”, “super friend” and the all around person to carry the burdens. It took me many years to realize that it wasn’t my job to be the person to hold everyone up. My job was to pray for those who needed prayers.
My job was to listen and hold hands. My job was to take care of myself or I couldn’t be there for anyone else. We are human, we aren’t super humans. We aren’t rocks or we would be made a rock. God is who we should be going to when we need help. Jesus Christ is our Rock. He is our Strength. I would say, give yourself a chance to be you and take care of yourself. God has it all figured out and He is more than capable of being our ROCK and Fortress. I have learned a long time ago when a pastor told me that I was doing more harm by thinking I had to do it all when nobody expected me to do it all. “
When I think about my own need to come in and save the day, I can honestly say that there is no way I could possibly “save the day”. It wasn’t my responsible. It is as if we humans have this damaged damsel in distress kind of mentality. It was time to swoop in and rescue the person in distress and take off for safer lands.
- Nahum 1:7 – The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.
A Bit of a Reality Check:
I didn’t really understand why a person who claimed to be my friend would tell me that I couldn’t and shouldn’t be the person to come to her aid. She didn’t need me to save her. All she needed was for me to be her friend and to listen. That was until I had a friend that thought she needed to be my savior.
A good friend of mine who I have known for many years was awesome when it came to her being there for me. It has been many years since I last talked to her because of this experience. But, she knew that I was going through a hard time physically. She came close to being the princess on the white horse where she would ride in to save the day. I didn’t mind her being there and it was totally awesome that she would listen to me. It is hard to find good listeners these days. She was awesome. But, I allowed it to go to far.
I would confide in her on all things. Everyone needs that one friend that you can tell everything to and they don’t judge you and they tell you what you need to hear. I didn’t see how much she became more important in my life than those in my family. If I had a problem, I would go to her. If I wasn’t feeling good or frustrated, I would go to her. She was the first person I would call when it came to any decisions I would make. I didn’t realize how much of a toxic situation it had become. So much so, that it was as if I was allowing her to make important choices for my life. She wanted to be my savior and I was allowing it to happen.
Then one day, something happened, or should I say clicked. I was talking to some family members and I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying. She had this whole plan on how she had to help me in all areas of my life. She had this idea that I had to do things the way she did since she obviously went to college and so she said a higher education and more life experience.
She would take care of my business matters behind my back and not say anything to me. I had no clue that she was calling people in my life and making decisions about what she thought I should be doing. Even when she moved away, she was still doing that. She wanted full access to a lot of things in my life. She would send me emails about all kinds of weird things. Not only did she try to dictate what I needed to do in my private life, she also contacted people at my church. If I didn’t do things the way she instructed, then all of a sudden she would turn into someone else. It was her way or no way. There is no way I could live up to her standards and I could not live in her world.
There was a great deal of lies and manipulations that went on in that toxic friendship. I never realized half of what she said to others. I was floored by a lot of it. I had a great deal of respect for her. After that friendship, I have to say that I have never trusted anyone in the same way. She was great when it came to quoting the Bible. She was also really good at telling me that I was having all of these medical problems in my life because I wasn’t trusting her enough and I wasn’t trusting God. I needed to trust more. I think she was wanting me to trust her more. her lies began to unravel and life seemed to settle down.
I would like to warn anyone out there that if you have a friendship or a relationship with someone and you notice that the person who was supposedly stronger than you are gets in the way of family relationships and your relationship with Christ, you should run as fast as you can.
She was great at reminding me that she is here for me and that I can lean on her. NO, that is not how it goes. I can only lean on Christ and nobody else. Like I told my friend, it isn’t her job to be the rock of the strong person. Her job is to be there for the other person and to listen. Her job is to pray and offer comfort. Her job, my ex-friends job and my job is NOT to be the strong person or the rock.
In closing, I want to say that if we take on that role to be the strong person in everyone else’s life, then why would they ever want to turn to Christ, I can’t be the person to come in to save the day for anyone. I can be the person to be there for them, love on them and pray for them.
My favorite Bible verse is, “God is our refuge and strength, ever-present in times of trouble.” I honestly believe this.