This blog posting is what happens when I can’t sleep due to pain and discomfort. Hoping instead of reading that my writing will help me get so tired that I need to sleep. 

I sent a friend an email some time ago. We were basically talking about what kind of help someone may need.  Her take on friendship and standing up for yourself was very important. I do think that people have different needs and that all depends on the problems or issues we are going through. 

For example toxic relationships. I have had more than my share of these kinds of friendships. And because of some things this friend and others have told me is that in a round a bout way, they need to be gone. That is much easier said than done. But for those people who have the courage of a lion, they have an easier time. I also believe that we make things to easy for others by enabling them and not following what God wants us to do in our lives. There are a whole boatload of people that I threw out of my boat of friends. Mostly the ones who were only there to get what they wanted or who played head games. 

I had this friend that I met in Angelhaven and she passed away I would say around  8 years. It was very difficult being her friend. I felt the most important thing in life was a personal walk with Christ. Donna I would say is a new ager that isn’t new at all. She believes in Christ, but in a way that she feels he was a great teacher like Buddha. She felt that if you were good, then all people could go to heaven.  It became difficult to talk to her for too long, because on my mind, I wanted to save her. I wanted her to understand what God had in store for her. I don’t know if she ever truly accepted Christ. But I did plant the seed and sometimes that is all we were meant to do. Others jump in and water and eventually they become mature and can stand up on their own little roots. 

In this email from my friend, at-least I hope we are still friends. Anyhow, she brought up how she is a doer, which is true. She isn’t the best listener, but she tried.  Many times what I need isn’t always someone that will do something for me. But I need someone to listen to me, even if they don’t get it. I’m the kind of person that does well talking and praying about what I need to do. I don’t need someone that needs to save the day for me. For the most part it is hard for a doer to do unless they have had the same experiences and life lessons. She has had difficulties in her life and her own life lessons. I admire her that she can say what is on her mind and just do it. I have to reason things out. 

I think all my life I have had one thing or another going on and since 17 I have had my share of medical things. I would say I have a type A/B personality. I can be strong on many things, but when it comes to me, I would say I am a type B. I’m grateful for all the people that God has put in my life. Even when I didn’t like what they had to say. 

Now my friend that emailed me is a small women, but she is a force to be reckoned with. I never really thought much about her personality until a couple of months ago. But I do admire that she puts her mind to doing something and she does. She doesn’t take anything from anyone. I think with her though and I couldn’t put my finger on why I pulled back on sharing things with her on certain problems or thoughts. I felt intimidated and like I wasn’t in the same class as she is. It isn’t really anything she did or said. But I felt outclassed. She is very smart, knows what she wants and does what she has to do to get it. I feel kinda stupid if that makes any sense when I talk to her. If you can imagine the peasant girl going into a queens home, then this is how I felt. When I would visit, she tried to make me feel at home and so did her husband. But I was afraid I would break something or do say something stupid. I use everyday words and when someone uses a word that is above my head, I find I don’t know where to go with the conversation because we are on two different wave lengths. One last thing and I know this is my own thoughts and my friend may not think this is a problem. But one day we are out and we go to a place that has a heavier lady working there. My friend made a comment about her weight. And with me gaining so much weight because of my friends, I haven’t called her up to see if she wants to come over. The reason is that I would be wondering if she would look down on me because I’m heavier. 

I remember one conversation we had while I was in the hospital. I doubt that she would remember this, but I did. And that is because it left a huge scar in my heart. But we were talking about getting my records for the past couple of years. We wanted to see what was in them. I hesitated for a while and she got mad at me. I was trying to talk and she told me that I needed to shut up and let her finish.  This was also done in the Dr’s office. So I did, but the tone upset me. When she told me to shut up, I felt like a little kid all over again. I was trying to talk but I got the feeling that nobody wanted to listen to me because I wouldn’t say it correctly. Back to the records.  I told her I would think about the records. I know she wouldn’t understand this, but I really didn’t want her or anyone reading how much I weighed. I get very upset and depressed over it. She is very thin and I don’t think she understood how much that bothered me. And it bothered me because I know what she felt about heavier people. We were going to send them over to her house so they wouldn’t get lost. About 30 minutes after she left and I said I would send them to her, I knew at that point that she didn’t feel I trusted her. When that is far from the truth. It’s just my own personal feelings about my weight. I have struggled with it most of my life and I didn’t want anyone to know what I weighed. After that time in the hospital, I think I only seen this friend twice and that has been over a year now. I know she was trying to help me, but I found it more depressing when I think about how much I gained because of medications. For those who never struggled with weight, they wouldn’t get it. I do miss our friendship.

Last year I sent her an email and wanted to know if I did anything wrong. She wrote back and told me no and that she needed to step back. I understood this. But she told me that if I needed her to call. I don’t know about anyone else. But I don’t want to call someone up just because I need them. I want to call them up to say hi and ask how they are doing. Someone who wants me to call when I need something is more like an acquaintance instead of a friend. I want a friend that I can call to see if they want to go for a short road trip or go to Starbucks and talk. 

One of the things about this friendship is that she was able to help me open my eyes up to things around me. My old pastor and his wife was doing the same thing. When we are in the middle of toxic friendships and such it is hard to see where we are going and if danger lurks ahead. My friend would do whatever needed to be done and they are wonderful, kind hearted people that belong to God. She has this protective shield on and she doesn’t let people mess with her friends. 

Both of my friends taught me to be aware of things around me and don’t trust others that don’t deserve to be trusted. Because of a lot of things going on, I don’t see her much. But not a day goes by that I don’t wonder how she and her husband are. She is the kind of friend everyone needs. 

When I think of friends and the kind that I have I would say I have the best ones in the world. For me in the last couple of years, I find that I really needed and received the kind of friends that listen. With all my medical things and not knowing what is going on from one minute to the next, a listening friend does me a world of good. They don’t have to save me, but listening helps me think and decide what needs to be done. I do try to be someone that listens to others. The reason I do is because I know that everyone needs to know that someone is listening to them and that they care. Doing is one thing and it’s about taking action. We or should I say I don’t always need action, I love it when I can jump into my car, listen to music or just chat about nothing. 

I use to have some horrible dreams and I would have the same one every night. Now, this is about the kind of friend that nobody needs. But this friend knew certain things that bothered me and she would want me to talk about things that happened when I was younger. And each time she did that I would think of nothing else but those things. It was literally eating at me all day and night. I know that it is important to talk about your past or mistakes. But there are things that are better left alone and live in the present. Because of this so called friend, my dreams were overflowing into my day time thoughts. She was feeding negative things into my brain and of course they are hard to get out of the head once they arrive. There is too much to mention on this topic. But she is 100 percent a toxic friend. Friend isn’t even a good word to use for her, Ever since she has been out of my life, the dreams stopped and other things are much better. I don’t allow someone like her to get close enough to know everything about me. God knows everything about me, even when I don’t. 

Back to this email. My friend was saying that she had to step back because she couldn’t offer the kind of things like listening. She was getting frustrated because I wouldn’t do certain things to help myself. I know she is right about most things. But in my world, I have found that I’m not the type of person that will go out and make someone accountable and take action on certain things. I have always been the kind of person who when pushed will pull away from those around me. I guess I just needed to put it in Gods hands and will let Him handle it. There are some things I need to handle, but when the bigger things become to big I have to give it to God. I really had to pray over things and work on the giving to God thing. It isn’t easy to do. I know I need to, but it’s not easy. I also needed to make sure that my walk was coinciding with my talk. My friend told me that I needed to pray about that because she didn’t think so and that I was all talk and no action. For a very long time this bothered me. But then I had to look deep inside and ask myself why it bothered me. The only reason was because I wasn’t doing what God wanted me to do. I was keeping the last pieced of candy tucked away so I could have it. I needed to give God everything, not just the pieces I didn’t want anymore.  She was right, I needed to examine myself and give everything. If I didn’t it is fruitless and the outcome is going to be horrible. 

For a long time, I was trying to control all things in my life. I knew I loved God. But I was holding back from letting Him have complete control. If I did that I would feel weak and inadequate. I would feel like I was a bull in a china shop. If I made a wrong move I would shatter something that is precious. And to me the most precious things are my family and friends. OK, my dogs too. 

OK! Now I’m done with my 5 am rant… Hoping I can sleep now… If she reads this I want her to know that I didn’t write this because I was mad at her. She wears her heart on her sleeve and has a heart of gold. I have been blessed in so many ways. I wrote it because it has been bothering me for so long and I think it is important that people understand and know that not all of us to things the same way and that not always do we need someone to do something. Just being their for one another is important and that everyone is an individual. I wouldn’t trade anything for those people and friends put in my life. OK! There are a few I would be OK if I never met. But I have learned from each and every person and situation.