A Friends E-Mail

This blog posting is what happens when I can’t sleep due to pain and discomfort. Hoping instead of reading that my writing will help me get so tired that I need to sleep. 

ImageI sent a friend an email some time ago. We were basically talking about what kind of help someone may need.  Her take on friendship and standing up for yourself was very important. I do think that people have different needs and that all depends on the problems or issues we are going through. 

For example toxic relationships. I have had more than my share of these kinds of friendships. And because of some things this friend and others have told me is that in a round a bout way, they need to be gone. That is much easier said than done. But for those people who have the courage of a lion, they have an easier time. I also believe that we make things to easy for others by enabling them and not following what God wants us to do in our lives. There are a whole boatload of people that I threw out of my boat of friends. Mostly the ones who were only there to get what they wanted or who played head games. 

I had this friend that I met in Angelhaven and she passed away I would say around  8 years. It was very difficult being her friend. I felt the most important thing in life was a personal walk with Christ. Donna I would say is a new ager that isn’t new at all. She believes in Christ, but in a way that she feels he was a great teacher like Buddha. She felt that if you were good, then all people could go to heaven.  It became difficult to talk to her for too long, because on my mind, I wanted to save her. I wanted her to understand what God had in store for her. I don’t know if she ever truly accepted Christ. But I did plant the seed and sometimes that is all we were meant to do. Others jump in and water and eventually they become mature and can stand up on their own little roots. 

ImageIn this email from my friend, at-least I hope we are still friends. Anyhow, she brought up how she is a doer, which is true. She isn’t the best listener, but she tried.  Many times what I need isn’t always someone that will do something for me. But I need someone to listen to me, even if they don’t get it. I’m the kind of person that does well talking and praying about what I need to do. I don’t need someone that needs to save the day for me. For the most part it is hard for a doer to do unless they have had the same experiences and life lessons. She has had difficulties in her life and her own life lessons. I admire her that she can say what is on her mind and just do it. I have to reason things out. 

I think all my life I have had one thing or another going on and since 17 I have had my share of medical things. I would say I have a type A/B personality. I can be strong on many things, but when it comes to me, I would say I am a type B. I’m grateful for all the people that God has put in my life. Even when I didn’t like what they had to say. 

Now my friend that emailed me is a small women, but she is a force to be reckoned with. I never really thought much about her personality until a couple of months ago. But I do admire that she puts her mind to doing something and she does. She doesn’t take anything from anyone. I think with her though and I couldn’t put my finger on why I pulled back on sharing things with her on certain problems or thoughts. I felt intimidated and like I wasn’t in the same class as she is. It isn’t really anything she did or said. But I felt outclassed. She is very smart, knows what she wants and does what she has to do to get it. I feel kinda stupid if that makes any sense when I talk to her. If you can imagine the peasant girl going into a queens home, then this is how I felt. When I would visit, she tried to make me feel at home and so did her husband. But I was afraid I would break something or do say something stupid. I use everyday words and when someone uses a word that is above my head, I find I don’t know where to go with the conversation because we are on two different wave lengths. One last thing and I know this is my own thoughts and my friend may not think this is a problem. But one day we are out and we go to a place that has a heavier lady working there. My friend made a comment about her weight. And with me gaining so much weight because of my friends, I haven’t called her up to see if she wants to come over. The reason is that I would be wondering if she would look down on me because I’m heavier. 

I remember one conversation we had while I was in the hospital. I doubt that she would remember this, but I did. And that is because it left a huge scar in my heart. But we were talking about getting my records for the past couple of years. We wanted to see what was in them. I hesitated for a while and she got mad at me. I was trying to talk and she told me that I needed to shut up and let her finish.  This was also done in the Dr’s office. So I did, but the tone upset me. When she told me to shut up, I felt like a little kid all over again. I was trying to talk but I got the feeling that nobody wanted to listen to me because I wouldn’t say it correctly. Back to the records.  I told her I would think about the records. I know she wouldn’t understand this, but I really didn’t want her or anyone reading how much I weighed. I get very upset and depressed over it. She is very thin and I don’t think she understood how much that bothered me. And it bothered me because I know what she felt about heavier people. We were going to send them over to her house so they wouldn’t get lost. About 30 minutes after she left and I said I would send them to her, I knew at that point that she didn’t feel I trusted her. When that is far from the truth. It’s just my own personal feelings about my weight. I have struggled with it most of my life and I didn’t want anyone to know what I weighed. After that time in the hospital, I think I only seen this friend twice and that has been over a year now. I know she was trying to help me, but I found it more depressing when I think about how much I gained because of medications. For those who never struggled with weight, they wouldn’t get it. I do miss our friendship.

Last year I sent her an email and wanted to know if I did anything wrong. She wrote back and told me no and that she needed to step back. I understood this. But she told me that if I needed her to call. I don’t know about anyone else. But I don’t want to call someone up just because I need them. I want to call them up to say hi and ask how they are doing. Someone who wants me to call when I need something is more like an acquaintance instead of a friend. I want a friend that I can call to see if they want to go for a short road trip or go to Starbucks and talk. 

One of the things about this friendship is that she was able to help me open my eyes up to things around me. My old pastor and his wife was doing the same thing. When we are in the middle of toxic friendships and such it is hard to see where we are going and if danger lurks ahead. My friend would do whatever needed to be done and they are wonderful, kind hearted people that belong to God. She has this protective shield on and she doesn’t let people mess with her friends. 

Both of my friends taught me to be aware of things around me and don’t trust others that don’t deserve to be trusted. Because of a lot of things going on, I don’t see her much. But not a day goes by that I don’t wonder how she and her husband are. She is the kind of friend everyone needs. 

When I think of friends and the kind that I have I would say I have the best ones in the world. For me in the last couple of years, I find that I really needed and received the kind of friends that listen. With all my medical things and not knowing what is going on from one minute to the next, a listening friend does me a world of good. They don’t have to save me, but listening helps me think and decide what needs to be done. I do try to be someone that listens to others. The reason I do is because I know that everyone needs to know that someone is listening to them and that they care. Doing is one thing and it’s about taking action. We or should I say I don’t always need action, I love it when I can jump into my car, listen to music or just chat about nothing. 

I use to have some horrible dreams and I would have the same one every night. Now, this is about the kind of friend that nobody needs. But this friend knew certain things that bothered me and she would want me to talk about things that happened when I was younger. And each time she did that I would think of nothing else but those things. It was literally eating at me all day and night. I know that it is important to talk about your past or mistakes. But there are things that are better left alone and live in the present. Because of this so called friend, my dreams were overflowing into my day time thoughts. She was feeding negative things into my brain and of course they are hard to get out of the head once they arrive. There is too much to mention on this topic. But she is 100 percent a toxic friend. Friend isn’t even a good word to use for her, Ever since she has been out of my life, the dreams stopped and other things are much better. I don’t allow someone like her to get close enough to know everything about me. God knows everything about me, even when I don’t. 

Back to this email. My friend was saying that she had to step back because she couldn’t offer the kind of things like listening. She was getting frustrated because I wouldn’t do certain things to help myself. I know she is right about most things. But in my world, I have found that I’m not the type of person that will go out and make someone accountable and take action on certain things. I have always been the kind of person who when pushed will pull away from those around me. I guess I just needed to put it in Gods hands and will let Him handle it. There are some things I need to handle, but when the bigger things become to big I have to give it to God. I really had to pray over things and work on the giving to God thing. It isn’t easy to do. I know I need to, but it’s not easy. I also needed to make sure that my walk was coinciding with my talk. My friend told me that I needed to pray about that because she didn’t think so and that I was all talk and no action. For a very long time this bothered me. But then I had to look deep inside and ask myself why it bothered me. The only reason was because I wasn’t doing what God wanted me to do. I was keeping the last pieced of candy tucked away so I could have it. I needed to give God everything, not just the pieces I didn’t want anymore.  She was right, I needed to examine myself and give everything. If I didn’t it is fruitless and the outcome is going to be horrible. 

For a long time, I was trying to control all things in my life. I knew I loved God. But I was holding back from letting Him have complete control. If I did that I would feel weak and inadequate. I would feel like I was a bull in a china shop. If I made a wrong move I would shatter something that is precious. And to me the most precious things are my family and friends. OK, my dogs too. 

OK! Now I’m done with my 5 am rant… Hoping I can sleep now… If she reads this I want her to know that I didn’t write this because I was mad at her. She wears her heart on her sleeve and has a heart of gold. I have been blessed in so many ways. I wrote it because it has been bothering me for so long and I think it is important that people understand and know that not all of us to things the same way and that not always do we need someone to do something. Just being their for one another is important and that everyone is an individual. I wouldn’t trade anything for those people and friends put in my life. OK! There are a few I would be OK if I never met. But I have learned from each and every person and situation. 

Troubled Stars Like Lindsey

Image Every now and then I will make a comment on a story that is posted on Yahoo. I don’t post too much but there are times I feel I need to let the world know what my thoughts are. As if those really made a big dent into the way people think or feel.

Just the other day Lindsey Lohan was released from Rehab. I know she has been there many many times. She has had one problem after another. This also goes for The Olson Twins, Amanda Bynes, Briteny Spears, Miley Cyrus and so on.

Some of the comments that people make are really horrible. They make me wonder if they live in this perfect little world in their own lives and they have never made a mistake as they were trying to find out that they are or need to be. I actually feel very sorry for Lindsey and the others that live under a microscope all the time. Every little thing they do is scrutinized and publicized. Now granted, they made a decision to be in the public eye in some cases, but most cases parents put them there. Here are just some of the horrible comments others have made about Lindsey Lohan and in their own words;

  • She needs the money for drugs
  • “HEY!!! LOOK AT ME, I AM TOTALLY CURED IN JUST 90 DAYS…..BUT THEN I NEVER ACTUALLY HAD A PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE, IT WAS ALL JUST THE BIG BAD MEDIA……..” She said as she slams back another shot to take the edge off of the snort she just finished……”IT’S ALL GOOD, I AM READY TO GO BACK..
  • This girl can fall into a barrel of doo-doo and can come out smelling like a rose.
  • Lindsay, u-0r smelly
  • This stupid skank will never learn. Just do the taxpayers a favor and just OD already.
  • Die already
  • And, when there’s booze…the coke isn’t far away.
  • ALCOHOL POISONING WITHIN THE NEXT 30 DAYS. DAMN DRUNKEN WHORE!
  • Why is she always seated in VIP? I’m more important than this 7 time loser.
  • You can’t save someone from themselves. Let her drink herself to death and be done with it already. Is there anybody who isn’t tired of this sh*t ?
  • UGH SHE IS SUCH A DISGUSING LOWLIFE. LOCK HER UP FOR SOMETHING ALREADY.
  • KIDS stay off the streets of L.A. and New York. This drug addict loon is back driving.

Here are my own personal thoughts and feelings on this. And I’m pretty sure there will be a lot wondering why I would feel bad for her and others like her.

I have known many family members who have been hooked on drugs and alcohol. I have lost friends that were addicted to Meth, Cocaine and Heroin. It isn’t fun to watch them go down this path. There comes a point where they can’t do it alone and needs help. They can’t see that they need the help, but others can. The last thing they need is people telling them that they are worthless and can’t make it. They will never amount to anything and should be dead. I find those comments heartless and mean. They make me wonder when people make those comments why they are saying what they are saying. Are they trying to be bullies or are they just cold hearted people that don’t care about a person’s life.

For some reason child stars and adult stars get mixed up into the whole drug world. It seems like there is more media that is drawing the attention to them. There is no way to really understand what Lindsey and other child stars had to go through each day. When I see the paths they have taken it breaks my heart. I would hate to be someone that thousands of people who don’t personally know me want me dead because I made mistakes. They have made mistakes that probably millions of us have made in the past and now.

Why is it that people are enjoying watching others fail? I hope that Lindsey and all those other stars and addicts out there can find peace and get back on the right track. Could you imagine if people would be there to help them up, hold their hand and just be there what a difference that could make.

Stars get paid a lot of money and almost everyone knows who they are. But does that make it OK to treat them like they are the scum of the earth and are worthless? I would have to say NO. It shouldn’t matter what they do for a living, how much they make or who they are. They deserve just like any of us to have a chance to make it right and to be forgiven. If Lindsey, Amanda, Britney and others like them were our children, would we kick them to the curb and want them to overdose and die? I would hope not. The people who are fighting these horrible diseases of addiction are loved and cared by others. There are people who want them around and they can make a difference in this world and in the life of others.

I hope that Lindsey does well since her release from rehab and that she is able to find her way back to acting.  Out of a lot of the troubled stars, I do think she has a lot of talent. I can’t really say that for some of the starts out there like Paris, Kim K and so on. Lindsey deserves a chance to be happy and find peace in her life. All this hatred and wanting her dead is ridiculous in so many ways.

Now I do think she should stay away from driving until she has been clean for some time and that she needs counseling and such. She obviously has had a heck of a problem with her family dynamics. For those who had wonderful childhoods, there is no way you could understand how destructive parents like hers can be to her and other kids like her.

But, I’m going to get off my soapbox and wish Lindsey and all those who are fighting addictions the very best and I will be keeping them in my prayers. Instead of breaking down and kicking those who need help, why not offer a hand and be there for them? Her new documentary that she is doing with Oprah is one that I may find myself watching. The reason I say that is because I think it would do her some good to be able to opening talk about her life so that others who have similar problems can get help. Even though I’m sure there is going to be a lot of haters out there and those who don’t think she deserves a second, third or how ever many chances. I know in my own life, I am very grateful for all those who have given me many chances. I may not have addictions, but I do have my own set of issues.

I think of this verse when I think about not judging others: John 8:7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Dreams in a Different Language

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I have very vivid dreams and usually dreams that will either warn me about something that is going to happen, different languages and unknown people.

The dreams that get me wondering about if there is such a thing as a previous life is when my entire dream will be in a different language. For me it is German. I don’t know German and have never even attempted to learn it. My grandmother was German, but she didn’t really speak it around us. Well, she would say one phrase as she was getting mad and throwing a show at us when we did something wrong. I never did figure out what it was she was saying.

In my dream there are people all around me that I obviously know and I know it is me, but I don’t look like me and nobody else looks like themselves. I know they are friends and family. I can have conversations with them in German and understand everything they say. I can’t help but wonder why it is when I dream that I dream in German. When I wake up, I remember everything about my dream, but I can’t remember what the conversations was about. I’m guessing because I don’t speak German.

And almost always in my dreams I look a certain way and I have two daughters and married. My daughters don’t look anything like they do in real life and neither does my husband. But I know they are my daughters and husband. And of course they speak German too. But why is it that some people can dream in other languages as if it is real life?

ImageI find it interesting when my dreams are about a typical dinner with my family and then going for a walk through the little town or village. They are pretty much just everyday normal things. Maybe this is because I would like to go for a walk in a village after dinner or maybe it is just a dream. My dreams will take off where they left off at previously, unless there is a big gap in time.

Maybe these are just dreams and nothing more. But it is intriguing to me. I can always remember all the details and what each person looked like. For instance, I have dark hair that is cut into a pixie cut. One of my daughters is a ginger and the other is long dark wavy hair. My husband looks more like a business man and works in an office.  Even when going to the local market for fresh vegetables and fruits are something that is memorable. The smell of freshly baked breads draws me close to the kitchen in my dreams.

So, now I’m on a search to see why I dream sometimes in German and can carry on conversations even though I never spoke German in my life and have never been there. No matter why I do this, it is cool to get to travel to Germany in my dreams and get to know the locals, lol. It’s even nice to try out food dishes that I never had the chance to taste. I know it sounds off the wall, but it is what it is.

Dreams like these always makes me wonder if we do have a previous life or we lived in another time and place. De Ja Vue makes me wonder about this too. I know that God knew us before we were even born. But this is a different kind of thought. 

I do like how in these dreams, there is nothing horrible happening. It is just life in general and going about everyday things.