I started this blog post a number of months ago and forgot that I started it. That was until last night when I was listening to JJ Heller and her husband Dave in concert at Calvary Chapel. My daughter Jessica found out about an hour before the concert that she was going to be here in St. George. I love JJ Heller. Her songs are simple and they speak to my heart. One of her songs that comes to mind and she sang was “Your Hands” .
Your Hands Lyrics (partial)
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
I have gotten into this conversation many times over the past few years. I have some pretty tough diagnosis’s medically. My medical diagnosis is the CIPD form of Guillian Barre Syndrome, Myasthenia Gravis and residual effects from these two diagnosis’s. My blood pressure is pretty much out of control and they have decided to name it Malignant Hypertension. Which is basically really high blood pressure that is out of control. My muscles get weak throughout the day and things can be a mess off an on through the day. I have been on home health and IV medicines for what seems like forever. If you want to know more about the diagnosis’s you can Google them. There are many sites you can learn from.
I don’t want this post to be about my medical problems and all the prognosis stuff. I want to share how it is that I get through the difficult days and moments that can change on a dime.
During many conversations people will ask me why I don’t get depressed or want to run away and hide from life. Because if they had to deal with the same things, they would want to do that. And I have to say it is only because of God. If I didn’t have God and my faith in Him, I would have no hope that things can get better. God has a purpose for my life and I have to just trust Him. Getting upset and dwelling on the negative is something that is no option for me. If I did that I would curl up in a ball and not really care about anything or anyone. I would be a hopeless and miserable person.
A friend of mine named Chris, was very helpful in understanding that we need to trust God even in difficult times. I think I pretty much did, but I wanted to hold back a bit when it came to trusting fully because I was just seeing the now moment, not the Wow moment that God had and has in store for me. When I was and still going through rough patches it is hard to see God working in my life.
I’m very much a control freak. Those who know me really well, that I can get a bit anal over things. It has to be done right and I’m not very good at trusting others to follow through on doing things the way I would do them. I have gotten a little bit better at doing this, but it is very much a work in progress, lol. When it comes to my medical things though, I have no choice but to trust God in all things. It wasn’t an overnight thing, but it is the right thing to do. Really the only thing to do. Because I can’t control those things in my life.
Because of my life experiences I have had some wonderful opportunities to share my faith with people who are hurting and have no hope. They see my struggles as something that is horrible. I don’t really see it this way though. Because of my struggles I have to depend on God more. I have to depend less on my own way of doing things, because it backfires on me everytime I do that.
Over the past few years, the people I have gotten the opportunity to meet, share and pray for and with is because of my struggles and medical issues. They( Dr’s and nurses) know that things are pretty grim for the most part and when they enter the room to give me test results and change my treatment plan, they look grim. They don’t want to deliver the news or tell me they don’t know if there is much more they can do. But through these discussions, I get a chance to let them know that God has it covered. None of us knows how many days or minutes we have. We are all under Gods rule and timing.
When someone asks if they can pray for me, I have no problem with that. I don’t always share my prayer needs because it can be difficult to explain to the multitudes what it is I need. But God knows what they are. And He does answer prayers. They may not be in the way I may want them answered. But He does answer. And He does know what is best.
My favorite verse in the Bible and it brings me hope and reminds me that God is ALWAYS there is; God is our refuge and strength, ever present in times of trouble. Psalm 46:1,,, I find so much hope and peace in this verse. I use it as my daily affirmation. God never breaks His promise and I know this to be true.
A number of my friends pray for complete healing. When they say that I know that God has already answered this. Because He sent His son Jesus Christ to die for me. I know that even if it may not be in this lifetime, He will heal me and anyone else who comes to Him and asks. Besides, there is not one of us that can be 100 percent healed while we are flesh and bones. All are hurting in some way. Even if we don’t see it. The moment we were born into this world, we were destined to die because we are all born into sin.
When I think about the song “Your Hands”, I can’t help but think about how God has been a part of my life. He loves me and would never leave me. There are days when I want to throw my hands in the air and give up and yell. And yes, sometimes I yell at God. He knows I can throw a pretty good temper tantrum and get overly stressed. But during those times, He lets me vent and carry on, and brings me back to reality, lol.
And this may sound strange, but my illness and medical things are a blessing in disguise. Because of these things, God has been able to use me to talk to others I would have never gotten the chance to meet. A medical technician is someone I think about. I will be brief since I get long winded, lol
One of my Drs is in Las Vegas. I had to do a lot of testing for my neurologist. Overall the testing took over 4 hours. They were all kinds of nerve conduction, SSEP and some other ones that was time consuming. The technician I had was having a hard day. In 4 hours, you can talk about a lot of things. As she was doing the tests, I found out her husband had terminal cancer. They weren’t Christians. As she was reading my test results, she said at one point that I should not be walking and how she has seen worse results, but not many. Normally those results would be for a paraplegic. She looked confused. I didn’t feel the shocks of the nerve test. I could feel tingling when the nerve shocks were at the highest. She didn’t understand how I wasn’t feeling what I should be and why I was still walking this earth. And all I said was simply by the Grace of God. During that visit, I was able to witness to her and tell her how God has been there for me. Only because of Him can I do what I do. God has a bigger and better plan than any Dr’s. He understands the test results and knows all. This technician did contact me and we talked a bit ever now and then. Her husband eventually died. But she shared our conversation and I have a feeling He was given some kind of hope that there is a better place and that God loves him.